I feel like my mind wanders at night time. Many things enter and leave, but many things sit and stay and are pondered. The other night, something sat in my mind for hours. It all started around 11 o'clock Friday night. I was trying to get to bed at an early time, but instead, found myself sitting on my floor of my room watching my little sister (ava) sleep.
Memories from childhood flooded my mind. Sure, I am not that old yet, but I still like to think of childhood. ;)
Memories of my brothers and I going on bike rides, or playing leap frog in swamps. Having rock fights and playing cow boys and Indians, Long nights being naughty and staying up and talking in our cool little room with our race car bed. Oh boy, I can remember it all as if it were yesterday. My brothers and I were the coolest little trio. We had so much fun.
Looking back on all that got me thinking about my life now. How growing up between boys and not having an older sister (or really any sister my age) has molded me into the person I am today. I am not ashamed of the kind of girl I turned into at all. BUT, I remember always wishing I had an older sister. Especially now. I feel as if there are no girls out there that truly understand me for me- its Kind of a lonely feeling.
A question I always would ask God was "Why did you take my big sister from us?"
Thinking about all this hit a really, really tender spot of my heart that I didn't know existed.
I, Sarah, was THAT older sister for 6 other girls, and I was failing. That sister that I always wanted, my little sisters had, and I wasn't even close to the expectations I would have had of my older sister. How ashamed I was.
It's not about me anymore. It's not about what kind of life I WANT to live. It's not about what I like. Its about what I am supposed to do.
Sure, I may not like painting my nails or going to girly concerts, BUT, that is my job as a sister. Deny myself and BE THERE FOR THEM. Show them love. Let them know I care.
Pray for them.
Sing with them.
AND one that hit hard - Do devotions with them.
I can live out my faith and they can watch, but that personal level is what will change it and make it real to them.
Stop trying to be their friend and start being their sister.
They need you. and quite frankly, They want you. Even if they don't say it or show it.
I don't want to be a 'Good sister' I want to be a great one!
Meet my sisters
As older siblings, we do have a responsibility to be that role model we always wanted...and we can only accomplish that with God's help though. We can never do it on our own. And something that just hit me...we should have someone to keep us accountable. I will be praying for you sarah, and all of us older siblings. ;) ~ Marshall
ReplyDeleteI, too, am the oldest girl in my family, and many times over the years I have wished I had been a better older sister to my younger siblings. In humility I have had to go back and apologize to them for my selfishness during my growing up years. You are a very wise young lady to realize how important your life is to those younger than you in your family. And with this kind of servant's heart growing in you now, you will be a wonderful mother some day who joyfully lays down her life for her children. God's blessings on you today!
ReplyDeleteWow, what a great post Sarah! I am number 8 of 9 children. There were 6 boys between me and my older sister, and she married and moved away from home when I was 9 so I don't remember much of her being there for me as a child. I love reading about your interactions with your siblings! Keep up the good work and keep telling us about it.
ReplyDeleteThis is really great! I guess I always found myself on the other end... wishing I had YOUNGER siblings. Little brothers. But then I realized how many guys at my church look up to me like that. I started a Bible study once a month for the pre-teen/young teen boys at my house and it was great. It was an overnight deal so we had all night to hang out and eat junk food and do all that guy stuff that they didn't get to do because many of them didn't have older brothers and several came from broken homes. At first I was all like "we're going to have a spiritual Bible study!" but then I realized that more than anything, more than me preaching at them, they needed to be LOVED, LOVED, LOVED. And like you said, they needed to see that it was REAL to me. (kinda sad leaving it all)
ReplyDeleteThe "seeing that it's real to you" part plus the "you loving them like crazy" part is what will make it real to THEM. :)
When I was 19, I came home from college one day to discover that my two-year-old sister had taken all of my things out of the bottom two drawers of my dresser, dumped them on the floor, and replaced them with her clothes, stuffed animals and toys. For the next seven years, she lived with me and shared my bedroom(and bed) whenever I was living at home. (She probably still would, but I'm not sure she has quite forgiven me for getting married and having children of my own)
ReplyDeleteThe point is that being nineteen and trying to share a bedroom with two-year-old isn't easy--or any of the sacrifice we make for our younger siblings, but now I have so many wonderful memories and a shared bond with her. I came to realize my youngest sisters adored me and just wanted to be with me as much as possible, and that, truly, is a precious--but scary--gift. Your influence as an older sister is far reaching and eternal, and I am glad to see that you are striving to use it wisely.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI was the little sister who always wished for a little sibling. But now I watch my own five kids and think how hard it is to be the "big ones." I think you're a GREAT sister simply because you're taking time to even think about those six other girls who watch you with admiring eyes. I hope my oldest daughter grows into her role as big sister as gracefully as you are. Keep writing! And loving those little ones!
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteGod always has a purpose for our words of encouragement. Today I read this post as if you wrote it for me to share with my dear cousin, and best friend, who is struggling with being a BIG SISTER (even now, at 37 and 33 they don't know how to balance it out!)Instead of judging her or being angry at her sisters "mistakes" she should Pray for her, love her, encourage her daily. I'll be sure to pass on your wise words. I myself and a Little Sister...But I have two daughters...I pray my BIG girl will be like you and be a great BIG Sister! Blessings!!
Robin
That was a great heartfelt post. Someone has to be the oldest and God chose you to be the older sister. I always felt like it would have been nice to have a sister too, but I only have one brother. Cherish the fact that you do have sisters even if you are the oldest. You will always have your brothers and sisters to share life with.
ReplyDeleteThankyou everyone for your comments. I do start to realize more and more how much they look up to me and really do want to hang out with me....ALL THE TIME> haha. But I try to enjoy every moment of it. and I write 'try' cuz it isn't always easy. But, My sisters/brothers/family are what I will take with me in the end. :)
ReplyDeleteFantastic post (here via your Mama's blog): Being a big sister is an awesome, awesome responsibility; I know I've certainly flubbed it with my own sister (she's 19, 10 years younger than me). Too often I was more concerned about being a friend and having her like me, than with being real and calling her out on things.
ReplyDelete